Rocket Highway

Greetings, readers! I’ve been out of the blogging game lately because I previously only ever posted from work, but then they started cracking down and filtering a bunch of shit, plus the work volume increased. I never really posted from home because, hey, if you sat around staring at a screen for 8 hours a day, you don’t really want to add another hour on to the pile. But, I want to post again. I come in to work earlier than before because nobody else is here and I can leave while the sun is still shining brightly which makes everything much less depressing, honestly. So, here’s something I’ve been thinking about lately.

The New England Patriots are smarter than everyone else
Cyrus is NOT going to like this, but it’s really the only conclusion I can draw. Look, I hate the Patriots as much as any other decent person, but I have to call it like I see it. Allow me to explain. If you’ve been paying attention to the awesome flurry of activity after the owners decided to end the lockout, you’ve noted that every team is trying to condense what is usually 5 months of free agency and trading activity into basically a week. It’s awesome because it’s the closest the boring ass NFL will come to MLB in terms of free agency and trades.

The Patriots have alarmed the stodgy middle aged men of the NFL media and fanbase by trading for Albert Haynesworth and Chad Ochocinco/Johnson. These guys are PROVEN PRIMA DONNA PROBLEM BOYS!!!!!!! they whine! They KILL TEAM LOCKER ROOM BUTT SLAP FESTIVALS!!!!! they bleat! They make it a LOT HARDER TO TURN THE MEDIA NARRATIVE INTO THE MOVIE MAJOR LEAGUE WHICH HAS BEEN THE OBVIOUS GOAL OF SPORTS MEDIA EVER SINCE IT CAME OUT!!!!! Haynesworth and Ochocinco played for shitty franchises that treated them like shit. The NFL media expects them to “man up” and “bend over and get fucked” by their owners because they’re their bosses, like every other American citizen does every goddamn day. I understand how the rage over that can boil over, I really do, but I’m glad when people can leverage their skillset against getting fucked like all of us other victims of American capitalism, not jealous. Anyway, the owner-worshiping media gave them a raw deal, even if they were not completely blameless in their situations. Haynesworth definitely is kind of a shithead. But he’s a talented one who became undervalued because of the fact that he is a shithead.

People said similar things about them getting Randy Moss (for what, like a 4th round pick?) and that just turned into them having one of the greatest all-time offenses, if not the greatest. Of course, Randy Moss wasn’t the ONLY reason but he was a big piece of that offense. And this willingness to take on “problem” players (I cannot emphasize the quotes around “problem” enough) manifested itself in their drafting of the supremely talented Ryan Mallett, former University of Arkansas quarterback in the THIRD ROUND. This guy was often projected to be a later first, early second round pick, but he did the weed and some of the coke just like every other person in their 20s, and every NFL player except for Tim Tebow. Maybe he’ll turn into a Lawrence Taylor, who knows. Lots of kids at Arkansas said Mallett was a gigantic tool, and these were kids in the Greek System, so it’s saying something. Still, a third round pick for one of the better QBs in the draft is pretty good. Also you don’t pay a football player to be a cool dude. The Patriots’ scouts had him as their top-rated guy at QB overall, supposedly.

Anyway, the point is, I think the Patriots are utilizing a sort of “Moneyball” approach to football. The “Moneyball” philosophy is really just a business philosophy that goes like this: “Find undervalued but effective things or traits. Buy low on these, and sell high when and if they become overvalued.” The book “Moneyball” by Michael Lewis (which you should read if you haven’t. Also a movie is coming out which will probably not get the point of the book across or even try really) details, through personal stories, how until recently, traits like On Base Percentage were undervalued by baseball people. A relatively poor team(financially), the Oakland Athletics, got a bunch of cheap players everybody thought were shitty because they played poor defense and were fat and weird looking and slow. But they had great plate discipline, and they got on base a lot while hitting for power. This cheap team of shitty weirdos won 103 games in 2002 and Baseball’s Idiots are still trying to figure it out. The A’s identified something that was not valued nearly highly enough, and they bought cheap. OBP and actual statistical analysis in baseball is now VERY highly valued, and the A’s aren’t as successful, but they still do better than their payroll is capable of by getting players with undervalued traits. (As an aside, they basically put a high premium on developing young, cost controlled pitching, and their lineup consists of cheap defense and speed, which are now kind of undervalued)

If you’re not Joe Morgan, you realize that the “Moneyball” philosophy can be applied to anything in business. However, it’s not as much of an obvious truism in sports due to the moral drama and personal inadequacies we project onto the grand stage of athletics through our media. In most businesses, the question is: Is this going to make money? Boom. Fuck you. Do it. *snorts coke* In sports, money is part of the equation, a major part, but it’s also this: Do they play the game the right way??? The PR is a lot more important because the product is so public. So, if you’re not an NFL team that’s going to win, it’s a lot harder to take a risk on players who might have off-field issues, because the NFL fans and media are the stodgiest and most protestant of all. Therefore, players with “off the field issues,” no matter how minor, are tarred and feathered by the NFL media. As a result, these players become undervalued by General Managers, because GMs are usually football people, not businessmen.

The Patriots are definitely a team that can win so the “risk” they are taking shouldn’t be commended too highly. The fact is, however, they aren’t the only team that will win, but I guarantee they’re gonna be the only team making moves for these players. They’re not doing it as an “image” thing like the Cowboys or Raiders might, and that’s an important difference. The NFL media and fanbase expects that of them. That’s how they’re perceived. The Patriots are always perceived as a team who plays the game the right way, even though they’re one of the more cutthroat, win at any cost, teams out there. (Everybody would be like this if they could, or if they had the balls or capability) The Patriots are banking on the fact that these “problem” players will produce in their system (Receivers and Huge Defensive Nosetackles have good times in New England) and that they will win frequently enough to keep them from becoming dissatisfied. Seems easy enough, but nobody else takes these risks when they should. The Patriots bought low: They got Haynesworth for a fifth round pick and the redskins still have to eat most of his contract.(Haynesworth will make 5 million this year)They got Ochocinco for a fifth round pick in 2012 and a sixth round pick in 2013. Literally any team in the league could afford to do this. They’re all just too chickenshit. One of the many aspects of Bill Belichick being the best NFL coach since probably Bill Walsh is the fact that he honestly does not give a fuck about anything but winning, which is a big advantage when you’re staring down the barrel of the mass super media. Everybody says they don’t care about anything but winning, but they all do. Belichick doesn’t. He lets the media say whatever they want, and lets the team win or lose on its own merits. He doesn’t even care that he got caught cheating. It’s worked out pretty well for them. (As an aside: The Patriots will sell high as well. Exhibit: Richard Seymour. An old formerly great player with one year left on his contract netted them a bad team’s high first round draft pick. It was infuriating.)

Anyway, this isn’t supposed to be a moral defense of shitty things the Patriots have done because fuck those guys, I hate the Patriots. But they’re unquestionably being smart and actually taking calculated risks in roster decisions and on the field. Since NFL football is basically the sport where chickenshit cowards coach, I just hope their success can change the conservative bent of pretty much everything about the NFL.